Posts by Marilu Writes

I am a writer. I am not a fighter.

The NEW dōTERRA Yoga Collection

dōTERRA Anchor: Steadying Blend

  • Supports Effective Yoga Practice
  • Promotes feelings of completeness, calmness and courage
  • Encourages a steady foundation from which to move forward

Contains oils: 

  • Lavender
  • Cedarwood
  • Frankincense
  • Cinnamon Bark
  • Sandalwood
  • Black Pepper
  • Patchouli

dōTERRA Align: Centering Blend

  • Supports Effective Yoga Practice
  • Promotes feelings of acceptance, trust and fluidity
  • Encourages harmony and calm progress

Contains oils:

  • Bergamot
  • Coriander
  • Marjoram
  • Peppermint
  • Geranium
  • Basil
  • Rose
  • Jasmine

dōTERRA Arise: Enlightening Blend

  • Supports Effective Yoga Practice
  • Promotes feelings of happiness, clarity and courage
  • Encourages rising to achieve goals and improved performance

Contains oils:

  • Lemon
  • Grapefruit
  • Siberian Fir
  • Osmanthus
  • Melissa

I created a flyer with all the info I learned about the new . Please share and spread the word!

#doterra #yogacollection #anchorblend #alignblend #ariseblend#essentialoils #yoga

dTERRA Yoga CollectiondōTERRA Yoga Collection PDF


Diffuser Bracelets For Sale!

So I am beginning to realize that although I am on the waiting list for disability, I have no way to make money until Christmas season when I can work part time. That being said, I have started making some beaded jewelry thanks to the encouragement of the other crafters at Knott’s Berry Farm and also thanks to my family. My older sister Amanda has been teaching me how to properly make bracelets and I have started making my very own line of diffuser bracelets.

Diffuser bracelets are bracelets which include a lava bead. Lava beads are used to hold essential oils so that they diffuse on your wrist all day long. I have been learning ever more about essential oils because of this and also which types of oils I prefer to wear on a daily basis to diffuse for myself.

I even created my very own Etsy Page called A Rainbow of Essentials where I display the beaded beauties that myself, my sister Amanda and my boyfriend AJ have been creating. It’s been really fun so far! I have learned a bit, but have much to learn still. I am excited and look forward to creating more jewelry in the future. Stay Tuned folks!


My Boyfriend Was Born A Female

Not a big deal these days to be a person who is transgender? Think again.

From the moment I met AJ, I knew I was in for some rough times. Although I have found the vast majority of our life together as a couple to be extremely wonderful of course! I knew the times would come when we would struggle together. Not blaming anyone here of course! I have plenty of issues by myself trust me, what with my seizures and crazy mental health stuff going on. Rest assured, I am happy to say that at least in love I can find peace.

AJ and I met through a lesbian dating app called “Her” which is naturally an all inclusive app. This means that people of all genders and sexualities are more than welcome. I was more than thrilled to find this out when I came to making my account since I am a pansexual genderless person. This means that I love everyone and I do not consider myself a male or female person. I met AJ under the intentions that I was simply meeting a friend for the first time seeing as that is why I had the app in the first place, to make new friends.

Needless to say, by the end of the date he had revealed to me(something I had already kind of figured out) that he was a transgender male. What this meant AJ is a transgender person who was assigned female at birth but whose gender identity is that of a man, or in other words a trans-man, transgender man or transman. This was totally awesome to me and we discussed my personal gender issues that I had had in the past and in my life. We totally hit it off in a sense because we are firm believers in the Gender Spectrum(See “The Gender Unicorn below).


Along the way in our relationship I have found that his coworkers and even some of his family still do not know that he’s FTM and refer to him with feminine pronouns and by his birth name. It has been a little difficult for me having to spend time with them and refer to him as “she” when all I know is I have an awesome boyfriend and only refer to him as “he” all day and night. Ay ay ay people! It’s tough and I slip up all the time. So far no one has freaked out that I am aware, or said anything to me, but I’m always concerned for something to be asked of me.

Also, public harassment is something that had not happened to me for any such reason as this previously and while AJ and I were waiting on a pizza in Downtown Fullerton, a white male of about age 50 yelled at us from in front of a McDonald’s that we were “Fucking disgusting!”. So that happened a while back… I was fairly annoyed, but simply yelled back that he was ignorant and kept steppin’.

The road ahead is a road that will no doubt be full of struggles, but I plan on being there for my boyfriend AJ, and I plan on supporting him and his transgender self. With all of our friends and family supporting us currently, I think we can overcome nearly anything honestly. We are making new friends and allies all the time and the trans community is so welcoming and loving. This is where I belong!

Federal Disability + State Disability = Waiting Game

I am currently playing a waiting game. I really do not want to play, but now that I have done all the work, I have to wait. In the meantime I am pursuing means by which to make some cash. Have I found a one? Nope. Not at all. Waiting for California Disability benefits to be approved is totally not a joke.

Since I quit my job back in April, I have applied for both Federal and State disability benefits. I was denied already for Federal benefits back in August. Figures… I am still waiting to here back from the state. Surprisingly the Federal end of things went pretty quickly and I received responses rapidly from my representative. I really have not heard anything at all from the State of California on my Disability claim.


I quickly gathered and organized all of my medical paperwork and hospitalization papers to hand over to the Social Security office in anticipation of them requesting them all from different physicians that I have seen since my seizures had started. I went to the office one weekday and drug a huge file box full of the organized documents with me to submit to my representative. The person in the office that assisted me immediately faxed them to my representative’s office in I believe Sacramento or someplace and I was done for the time being. The next step was having my most recent psychiatrist sign the documents about my current situation and how the seizures and my PTSD were affecting me daily and when I had been at work. I had to make an appointment with the physician the following month to sit down with her and have her evaluate me for all of that, which I complied with and went through with her quickly. Once that had been done, I also had to have a few family members submit documents stating that I was unable to handle having a day job due to the triggers that are there which can cause me to have seizures and panic attacks regularly as I had been having at my most recent place of employment. All-in-all the process went rather smoothly and I submitted my documents in a timely fashion to the Social Security department.


However, when it came down to the California State Disability Insurance Department, I submitted my application to file for benefits at the exact same time on May 3, 2016 and have yet to be reached out to for any type of documentation. On the website where I submitted my application for benefits, all I see in the current status for my Pending Disability Insurance Claim Application when I login is “Pending medical provider form”. What this is sure to mean from what I have found online from other people having this same thing show up when they look at the status of their claim is that the physician has not received the forms or filled them out and submitted them, or the EDD has not received them or processed them as of yet. I have decided at this time to go to the Disability Office in Santa Ana, CA and find out for myself exactly what is going on. I have read online that similar people in my situation that have the same pending status have done this and gotten some sort of result from having gone to the office in person. This is mostly due to the fact that it is literally impossible to get anyone on the phone to assist you because the phone lines for the California EDD are always busy. Like, 24/7. I have called and called and I get the same message each time I call saying the following: “I’m sorry, we have reached the maximum amount of callers” which is complete bullshit.

I found that this blog called Corner of the Mind explained how she was able to go in to the EDD Disability office and found that when she was there, the person assisting her “…looked somewhere else in her computer and apologized – they did have the form.  Whew!  Then she said “oh my god” and shook her head.  She looked at me – “he didn’t sign the form.””. This made me come to the conclusion that I might be able to get a better answer than what the SDI Online website is giving me with that “Pending medical provider form” nonsense.

All I need is to gain some information for right now. While I wait though, I am looking for ways to make some money. If anyone has any bright ideas, I am all ears!


I Now Consider Myself A Person With A Disability

Since my seizures began, I had heard from multiple people in my life that I should pursue being on disability. This was not something I could consider in my mind. As far as I knew, I was a able-bodied person who was able to work a 9-to-5 job like most people I knew in the work force. However, as the years have gone on since I began having seizures and have tried as best as I could to make things work within the positions I have held in that time, I have come to the realization that I am unable to perform like my coworkers were able to. I struggled. I knew something was wrong when I was in the Emergency Room twice in the end of 2014 and the beginning of the year in 2015 and was unable to return to work until I was once again “stable” and able to be in the workplace. So over this last year I made some decisions and came to the conclusion that I now consider myself to be a person with a disability.

My mental health conditions had caused much damage in my life towards the end of 2014. I was at the point where I had begun a working at a new job and was beginning to have problems while at work and in the waking hours of my days. I was hearing voices and hallucinating things that were not there. I was crying uncontrollably for no reason whatsoever. This was only the beginning.

With my new job, I had new medical benefits with Kaiser and so I took it upon myself to start seeing doctors to pursue a second opinion. My employer at the time was very concerned for my well being and was also very encouraging to find out what more I could do about my seizures seeing as I was struggling so with them. I started with my new primary physician and went from there to see a new psychiatrist where I was prescribed my very first depression medication along with an anti-psychotic drug. She told me that I was not schizophrenic as I had thought, but the visions I was seeing were coming from my severe chronic depression. I began taking the medication in hopes that it would all make things better. And so I started falling asleep at my desk while at work and was forced to drink things that would energize me which I had never had to do before in my life.

Things worsened with me and the amount of seizures increased and the symptoms got stranger. One night while alone in my bedroom, I had a terrible seizure which lead me to screaming and “speaking in tongues” or “talking in gibberish” as my family described it. They took me to the ER at once where they pumped me full of Ativan and sent me home once I was subdued. From that point I was taken off of the antipsychotic medication and my condition improved a bit and the hallucinations stopped and their were no voices in my head anymore. Oh and did I mention my neurologist signed a paper stating that I was to not drive anymore? I lost the ability to get to work as well, and so I had to rely on family until I was approved to gain transportation through OCTA Access. This is a wonderful program by the way!

Next thing I knew, I was headed in a downward spiral of sadness and I broke down in front of my shrink. I was delirious and inconsolable. She notified my work that I was to be put on immediate leave for the next few weeks and be put on disability benefits while she enrolled me in what they called “Intensive Outpatient Program” or “I.O.P.”. This program was meant to give me the tools to cope with my depression. The thing was, I had been in therapy before and had tried many of these things in the past. Upon speaking to the group’s leader, I found that I would not get the individual help I needed with my issues and my PTSD which I believe was causing my current meltdown. Go figure!

The weeks went by and though the group therapy was good for me, it wasn’t what I needed. I had to go back to work, or lose my job. Next thing I knew, I was working on a very tough new program at work and trying to get things back to normal at work when I had a bad seizure at work. One of my sisters had to come and get me because I was unable to be calm and was a jittery mess. She took me to the ER where they started running tests on me as I had another seizure in the car on the way there and then AGAIN while sitting in the intake chair speaking to the nurse about why I was there that day. They drugged me yet again to calm my nerves and body and I slept. Apparently I was there for about 10 hours and when I awoke they informed me that everything came back negative and re-diagnosed me with Conversion Disorder which is basic Hysteria.

Yet again I was at a loss. I had an answer which did not help my situation. When I followed up with my shrink, she told me to just continue on with the medications I was on and to see my therapist regularly. Oh, and they increased my depression medication to the maximum dose naturally.

Next thing I know, I am being let go at work just after accusing my coworker of harassment in the workplace. Great.

I decided then to take the summer to help out some family in Florida and be a caregiver for my elders for a while. Being stress free and out of work, I only had a few small seizures while away from home. A miracle? I think NOT. I was out of the stressful environment of being in a normal workplace. I was able to relax and do things at my pace. Or at my elders’ pace at least. haha

Upon returning home, I began looking for work seeing as my unemployment had run out. I got a job after 2 weeks of searching and got to it! Yet again, I was down. I was depressed and stressed and having panic attacks and seizures all over the place. What was I to do? I sought therapy once again through MediCal. I did the right thing. I found my current therapist who began working away with me on my PTSD and doing EMDR sessions with me. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches. To date, EMDR therapy has helped millions of people of all ages relieve many types of psychological stress.



Through these sessions with lights and memories being processed together, I was able to go ahead and finally deal with my past abuses and face up to the fact that I am alive and well and able to live.

Sadly, this did not stop my seizures from occurring, nor did it stop me from having panic attacks in the workplace. Thus in April of this year, I quit my job and began filing for disability benefits. I have found that over the last few years, I just have not been able to perform very well at any job that I have held due to what is going on with me. The seizures, the panic attacks, and much more… It is all so difficult to handle when I am expected to be present at work for 40 hours a week and be high functioning at that. I have tried so very hard to do everything in my power to keep up my spirits and be the best worker I can be, but their has finally come a time when I know in my heart and mind and my body that I just cannot do things like some others out there can.

I am waiting now. I have been waiting since May for an answer. I can only hope that I will be approved for the benefits that I am in such need of at this point in my life. Family in my life has been extremely supportive of my decision, as have friends and my significant other as well. I am so very grateful to them all. The only support I am in need of now is from the government. My hopes are high, and my medications are increased as my anxieties are amped up like never before.

Now, I wait.

2015 in review

Thank you all so much for all the support you’ve given and shown me over the year of 2015! I truly appreciate all the love and good feelings that this blog has given me. It has shown me that I could commit to posting about myself and has made me much braver overall!

I love you all and I look forward to more successes in 2016.

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,800 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 30 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Incineration Of Life

The library was bustling today with life as I walked with my son this Saturday afternoon through the front turnstile type of glass doors of the front end of the building. I was leading him to the back corner section of the library where we could find exactly what he’d dragged me there for today, a book about vampires his best friend in his class at school had convinced him was “super ultra cool”. I honestly did not mind what my kid was reading so long as he was reading.

Jenno was running on ahead of me towards the section of the children’s area where he could find the teen reading level book his friend had introduced to my kid of 10 years old. I took my time and glanced around on the library’s end caps to see if they had anything interesting for Mommy to read during the week while kiddo was at school. No good today, I preferred to read the latest hottest erotic novels just to see what was all the rage, but it seems that Fifty Shades of Grey was still top of the list as the main end cap in that section was loaded down with stacks of copies of the trilogy. Such a bore was that series since I’d read it immediately after it’s release and found it to be so dry and dismal that I went back to my old copies of romance I had since college. Jenno’s father had packed up and left a few years ago and since then I had not seen the point in dating as my sex drive was basically nonexistent and I had my trusty novels to keep me company at my leisure.

Jenno was already looking at and grabbing a few other books off of the shelves nearby it seemed that had caught his interest. He was prone to finding the latest in fantasy and science fiction that were much above his reading level in school. Thankfully that kept him fairly occupied while I would prepare dinner most evenings for the two of us when I would get home from working at a local call center for a medical company. I had that job going on eight years now and it paid what little bills we had so I decided to stick it out until Jenno was off to college. After that, I planned on going off to a different area of the country to try my hand at something different. Some job where I could use my hands no doubt. As a kid, I had always wanted to raise a little farm of my own with vegetables and fruits of all kinds, so maybe that is what I would end up working on. Who knows.

As I was wandering towards the window, I noticed something odd about the sky while glancing towards the hills in the distance. This valley would on occasion get some odd bouts of rain during the Spring, which is the season we are in now, but what I was seeing, seemed to be somewhat, well a glowing splotch across the sky. It seemed to be growing very slowly as I stared out the window and almost looked like a fire crawling through a forest from catching in the brush like I had seen one particular summer growing up near the woods as a kid.

In fear, and paranoia, I ran to the front desk where I knew they sometimes had a television playing the news in the background for the employees to watch and asked the front desk librarian to switch it on immediately and put on the news channel. The girl who was clearly just there for a minimum wage job, slowly went over to the TV and switched it on with a flick of the remote and changed the channel to the local news station. On the screen was a shot of what I had just seen out the window, a glowing fiery line across the sky. The news anchor was speaking very brokenly and stating that the end of the world was here and to say goodbye to your loved ones. He went on the describe just what was occurring in the sky above our country as the elimination of our planet’s dismantling and depleting magnetic poles due to the most enormous solar flare ever recorded in history. He explained then that due to the collapse of the magnetic poles, our atmosphere was left open to the deadly effects of the solar flare’s horrible wrath which would ultimately ruin Earth’s land, creatures, and all living things. I stared at the screen with my eyes widening each moment and listened to each word intently. The teenage girl heard the first few words and began screaming at the top of her lungs for all in the small library to hear that the world would be ending in the matter of mere hours left in the day. Screeching and yelling began to fill the air as everyone realized that they would soon be dead along with everyone and everything on Earth.

Immediately I ran back to the section of the library where Jenno was and saw he was searching for me too as he’d heard the screaming loud and clear and realized what was happening. He cried out when he saw the tears running down my cheeks and ran into my arms sobbing. I held him tight and told him we would stay together until the end and that I loved him very much. I realized then that their was nothing I could do to change what was happening and it seemed as I looked once again out the window that the glowing was taking over the sky slowly and found that the solar flare was reaching out to our blue planet to wreak havoc on us all. Moments to go, I thought quickly that it did not matter if we ran now, their was no place that could keep us from the death that would soon come to claim us.

Jenno and I were to stay here in this library, he and I until the last moments came. I decided this myself as I looked around and found everyone else in the building grabbing their loved ones and some were running out of the building, while it seemed the rest were doing as I was and claiming a spot to stick this out until the end came. I carried Jenno’s scrawny little 10 year old body over near the front desk so that we could see what the news anchor was talking about at this point.

The news anchor had apparently left and the station was showing what appeared to be a repeating cycle of information about the end of world solar flare that was going to wipe us all out. According to the diagram that was showing, the magnetic poles had completely been destroyed and left the planet with no guard against the sun’s horrible flares that were now lashing out towards our atmosphere and would soon be coming straight out at us. The next slide showed the effects it would have on our planet in the next few hours. It depicted a nuclear type of explosion which would in the next 4 to 6 hours incinerate all living things on Earth and leave the planet devoid of life. This shocking slide was seen by myself and my child in my arms among a few other library patrons that stood watching the screen of the television to see what our fates were as of this moment. It was clear that no one, anywhere, was to survive.

I held Jenno to my body as I slid down with my back to the counter down to the floor in front of the desk. Around me children and adults alike were crying and screaming and hysterical. Some sobbing silently who were alone, and some yelling over cell phones to loved ones to stay calm and that they loved them. Chaos had found this quiet little library and was devouring us all.

Jenno. My son. I loved him and had raised him mostly on my own all 10 years of his life. And now, it was ending. As was mine. I was sad for him, and I was sad for myself. I was sad for the world. Was this truly the end? I cried. How long was I crying? Holding Jenno while he sobbed for what seemed like hours in my arms. The glowing was shining through the window and had turned into a bright orange now blaring in our eyes and on our skin. I could feel it burning my body already. The ozone layer, the TV had said, was to disintegrate as well which was supposed to protect us from radiation from harming us. This was gone. We were burning already. The more time passed, the hotter it was. Soon, the flare would reach us and touch us and we would be gone.

I tried my best to shield Jenno from the worst of the heat by holding him in front of me with my back facing the windows of the library. It felt as though my skin was melting off. Maybe it was. I endured the pain to keep my son from feeling what I felt. Most people were doing the same, trying to shield others from the heat. Others were staring straight into the distant sky where the fire was coming from in the sky. The flare would reach us shortly. I was sure of this. My skin was blistering from the heat and the flare was visible now and appeared to me as a sword of flames reaching from one end of the sky to the other. This sword would cleave clean through all living things and leave not even the thought of a living cell behind.

All of a sudden, their was a huge flash of light in the sky and everyone surrounding me as well as Jenno lifted their heads to look out the window and stare at their lives flashing before their eyes. I whispered into Jenno’s ear that I loved him. We were instantly incinerated. Along with everything else and everyone else. The planet consisted of dust. As though a nuclear blast had taken every soul and swept us each away. We were gone.